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Monday, January 26, 2015

Somewhere In The Middle

What a roller-coaster. I'm starting school again, which is exciting and engaging. I'm reconnecting with friends which is worthwhile and meaningful. I'm back and forth between fighting and bliss with my sweetheart. I'm in and out of hopefulness, back and forth in disappointment. I'm doing things I feel great about, alongside behaviors that make me cringe. I tell myself I'll never compromise or sell my self short, but right now I could really just go for some stability, wherever that placed me. Then again, perhaps I'm not stable because I refuse to settle at the bottom. I want to return to a previous me where I felt constant peace, consistent warmth, and perpetuating goodness. I catch glimpses of that every now and then, but then I sit too high on my horse and the pride leads me into a ditch. In all this I've learned a lesson about myself: I cannot multitask my life. I tend to focus my efforts on one thing and one thing only. Then the frustration comes because I'm not good enough at that one thing, or that one thing isn't sufficiently comprehensive for it to satisfy all of my needs. I need to be more well-rounded. I need to diversify. I need to hedge the emotional risk by placing my metaphorical eggs in a variety of metaphorical baskets. That's my next project, and let's see if I don't focus on it so much that I neglect everything else.

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