In The Right Direction

I would like to say that I am doing well. Saying it adds to the joy of feeling it. My ability to resist temptations seems to have risen significantly. I'm now going 3 and 4 days at a time without falling back into unwanted behaviors. When I do relapse, the intensity and the negativity of my indulgence seems to be much lower. Just as I saw the cloud of addiction gather and dim life across all arenas, as I see it disperse I feel the light increasing through most aspects of my life. I still have moments of depression. I feel lonely. I get anxious. I make mistakes, at times willingly and  at others unintentionally. Yet the average of the positive nature of my experiences is rising. I've got a long way to go. I'm only starting. I'm still catching up to where I was, not to mention where I should be and might have been. Yet I'm tasting success. I don't see any secret to it. It's the accumulation of small acts, insignificant on their own, compounding to make a difference. I could communicate no more effectively the lesson learned than by saying this: consistency is the key.

Sexuality vs. Love & the Merit of Active Choice

It’s been two weeks now that I've been back at school and with my significant other. Sexually, we've come down from the original high. I’m scared of what that might have cost us though. I do not regret the absence of those sexual activities, but right now I find myself in a state of inability to feel as close to her as I previously did. I have theories as to why that might be, but who knows whether the decrease in sexuality is related. After so long, does my body equate sexuality with love? Was I so far in to our sexual behaviors that I couldn't withdraw myself without withdrawing myself from her emotionally as well? I hope that’s not the case. I still love her. That hasn't changed in the least bit. I want to feel that closeness so very badly, but getting that sensation has been difficult - far from impossible, but clearly more difficult.

In the recent weeks, my pornography problem found new life as strokes of evil genius reminded me of several new ways to view pornography. Now three times I've thought that I closed down all avenues to pornography, only to find that there were more. I'm now convinced that all avenues are closed, though I'm aware that some of them can easily be reopened, and others easily created. The truth is, in this day and age, I'll never be able to deny myself every possibility of accessing pornographic materials and in some ways I believe that's necessary and healthy. I remember a lesson I learned some time ago, though my memory is foggy as to whether I read it or heard it. The lesson addresses the difference between forsaking and merely going without. The importance of truly forsaking being that it is a requirement for one to truly repent and be forgiven of sin. In this sense, forsaking a harmful behavior requires that our hearts change and our desire to participate in the sin subsides and is replaced by a desire to do good. It is possible that we go without a sin, without having actually experienced that change of heart. An obvious example is that of a man sentenced to a life in prison for murder. While in prison, he no longer murders, and the outward change in his actions seems complete. He goes decades on end without ever attempting to murder, or perhaps even harm another person, but this may be only because he had no choice. Murdering and harming another were beyond his reach, or at least made so difficult and/or costly by his circumstances that resisting was meaninglessly easy. While it may or may not be the case that he has forsaken his sin, the case and argument of his avoidance of repeat does not, on its own, mean that he's a changed man. My point in all of this is that I want to be a man who chooses not to view pornography or participate in sexual behaviors, not one who avoids them because they're outside his reach. I realize that I can in many ways put them outside of my reach and that there is merit in doing so voluntarily instead of by force. In the end however, these precautions are, as they should be, only temporary fixes that give me time to work on the real fix, which is extracting the desires and addictions from my heart.

Somewhere In The Middle

What a roller-coaster. I'm starting school again, which is exciting and engaging. I'm reconnecting with friends which is worthwhile and meaningful. I'm back and forth between fighting and bliss with my sweetheart. I'm in and out of hopefulness, back and forth in disappointment. I'm doing things I feel great about, alongside behaviors that make me cringe. I tell myself I'll never compromise or sell my self short, but right now I could really just go for some stability, wherever that placed me. Then again, perhaps I'm not stable because I refuse to settle at the bottom. I want to return to a previous me where I felt constant peace, consistent warmth, and perpetuating goodness. I catch glimpses of that every now and then, but then I sit too high on my horse and the pride leads me into a ditch. In all this I've learned a lesson about myself: I cannot multitask my life. I tend to focus my efforts on one thing and one thing only. Then the frustration comes because I'm not good enough at that one thing, or that one thing isn't sufficiently comprehensive for it to satisfy all of my needs. I need to be more well-rounded. I need to diversify. I need to hedge the emotional risk by placing my metaphorical eggs in a variety of metaphorical baskets. That's my next project, and let's see if I don't focus on it so much that I neglect everything else.

I'm fine.

I'm back at school now. I have mixed feelings about it. I just don't feel up for the challenge sometimes. It will be good to have more to do and to be in an environment where I can contribute and produce something more worthwhile. The depression and anxiety are coming and going. I was really hoping that being with my significant other would help. It does most the time, but the good and the bad still exist. Today I woke up from a nap in despair like I can't ever remember feeling before. The panic was overwhelming. I still have no explanation, but the surge of emotion left me in tears for the next half hour. Sexually, her and I have quickly returned to and topped our highest levels of intimacy. I'm not happy with it, but I think it's understandable after a long time apart. Since our first day together, we've done very well. I'm really hoping for success in that arena. I just don't feel capable of dealing with the emotional stress of fighting that fight, or really any fight. It doesn't seem worth defending myself. I just want to do what is right and be happy. Let anyone else say or do what they may. In the face of possible loneliness, I want to help anyone who is willing to let me, but I'm done trying to force myself into peoples lives. It was a mistake that I ever tried. It might suck along the way, but I have hope that I'll find friends who will actively and cheerfully choose to be apart of my life and consciously seek to be a positive influence.

The Perfection Process

Today includes 12+ hours of traveling, so I don't think I'll have too many experiences or personal insights to offer. However, I do want to share something I read. Reading this was a great reminder of something I grew up believing and something everyone needs to know: the way to become perfect and pure.

"Let’s face it. All of us have done something that we ought not to have done, or we have neglected to do things we should have done. All of us then have made mistakes, and every one of us needs to repent. The old devil would have you believe that if you have made one mistake, why don’t you just keep on making mistakes? That is Satan trying to tell you that there is no chance to come back. But you must turn your face towards the rising sun, and through repentance turn from the thing you have done that is wrong and never go back again thereto...

Now, if you have made mistakes, make today the beginning of a change of your lives. Turn from the thing that you have been doing that is wrong. The most important of all the commandments of God is that one that you are having the most difficulty keeping today. If it is one of dishonesty, if it is one of unchastity, if it is one of falsifying, not telling the truth, today is the day for you to work on that until you have been able to conquer that weakness. Put that aright and then you start on the next one that is most difficult for you to keep. That’s the way to sanctify yourself by keeping the commandments of God."

We should acknowledge and apologize for our mistakes to those we've harmed and to God and that "He that repents thus of his sins and altogether turns away therefrom, to return no more to a repetition thereof, is entitled to the promise of a forgiveness of his sins... as it was declared by the Prophet Isaiah, 'Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.'"

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee

Chapter 4: The First Principles and Ordinances of the Gospel

http://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-harold-b-lee/chapter-4?lang=eng

Prepared for the next challenge?

Well I'm seeing the pattern emerge. One off and one on. It's better than the previous every day pattern, but obviously far from my goal. Today was one of the bad days, but like I mentioned earlier. Even the bad days have gotten better. Less porn and much more resistance to urges, even if they end the same. My newest challenge starts tomorrow. I'm leaving home and going back to school for another semester. I dread the thought of being alone in my apartment. My significant other will meet me at school and then our combined resistance will be put to the test. I'm nervous. Excited for so many things, school, seeing her again, having productive uses of my time, but nervous. 

I'm working on a routine. I think that will be crucial to my success. Unstructured time and idleness are huge risks for me. I'll incorporate gospel study, academics, and gym time as main components, but obviously that will only take so much time. Breaking free will require getting out of the house (and out of her house) in the hours that remain so that boredom never has a chance to turn into bad behavior.

Peace through Prayer

Today was a great day. I started to masturbate at one point and as I was accompanying it with pornographic images I had some moments of honesty and was able to stop. It took longer than it should have, but I stopped. It's the small things that can offer the most hope.

Along the same lines, one of today's greatest victories was a step forward in handling anxiety and depression. This morning I felt rotten. I was moping in the despair when I had the thought to pray. Prayer was, for many years, one of my fail proof sources of peace. I still pray every morning, night, and before meals, but it has been months since I really savored the experience like I once did. I prayed today, fervently, and that was the difference. I immediately recognized the distinction in my actions and the results of them. I felt immensely better. The despair wasn't quite gone though and it came and went in waves through the morning and during the first hour of church. In the meeting I remembered my experience and prayed again, striving for sincerity. The relief came again. As I went to the last class of the day I was reminded of God's love when I sat down and heard the lesson begin. "Pray Always" it was titled. I know sometimes it is hard to tell, but God wants to be in our lives. He knows, and I was reminded today, that real, lasting happiness only comes from doing what's right. He has and will show us those things which will bring us peace and joy. There are many ways through which we can and must invite Him to guide us, and prayer is perhaps the most powerful.