One Step Forward, and Two Steps Back

It's really sad to say that I've done so poorly immediately following my first daylong resistance. I was above all bored, but also feeling some confusion and frustration. The worse part is that this time I made a very conscious choice to engage in risky behaviors. I'm absolutely not okay with that, but it happened. I broke all the rules I had previously put in place to protect myself, not with excuses, but knowing exactly what I was doing. I watched pornography and ended up on adult dating sites and eventually craigslist classifieds. As always, when I reached a climax, the sensations disappeared and I experienced one of my most embarrassing drops back into reality. I want the shame out of my life so badly, and I want it gone because the problem has been overcome. One of my biggest fears is that I become okay with my indulgence and that desensitization causes the shame to disappear. If I were to summarize my feelings into one word right now, it would be "scared".