Not Sure How to Feel

Late last night I confronted what has been a very interesting issue, and one I can't ever seem to take a definite stance on: my sexual interactions with my significant other, whom I mentioned in yesterday's post. During what has been a relationship with amazing highs and conversely low lows, we progressed to the point where we were doing everything we could think of that wasn't sex. I'm a virgin. Through all this addiction my virginity is the one thing I've managed to hold on to, and I've barely done so. She had been sexually active and very sexually open for a number of years prior to our meeting. We developed deep feelings for each other and I'm grateful beyond words for her decision to honor and respect my sexual standards. The problem is that I struggle immensely to respect them myself. We progressed to oral sex, fingering and hand-jobs within a couple months of knowing each other. On our attempts to stop we often ended up resorting to dry humping, but that quickly turned into an almost sex version of using the tip of my penis to stimulate her vagina and then going in an inch or two. That very small penetration with time became sex like in movement. All of this went on, with talks about stopping but very little execution up until the last week we spent together, where she made a much appreciated sacrifice to spend a week away from her family and with mine. After two days of our usual petting and oral sex, we dug in our heels in and starting acting on agreements we had previously made not to engage in those activities. We stopped the petting and oral sex for the last 4 or 5 days we were together, but the almost sex got more intense – and scarily more like sex, at least from my virgin viewpoint – then ever. In the week we’ve been apart we had a huge fight but are now again in a very affectionate place. Last night we FaceTimed and had a very sexual talk and mutual masturbation. It isn’t the first time, and it’s so far below what we’ve done that I don’t feel horrible about it (though obviously it’s not what a perfectly well-behaved couple would do), but the high levels of sexuality spark worry for our ability to resist when we are back together in a week. In the fight, my then girlfriend broke up with me, and it seemed that we couldn't reach real pre-fight levels of romance again until things started to turn sexual.This sparks another worry, though small in my mind, that our relationship’s success might be conditioned upon sexual intimacy. I do believe we could survive without it, but that concern occasionally presents itself in my mind nonetheless. A healthy, righteous level of intimacy is something I want, but I don’t think any relationship can ultimately survive on sexuality. More pertinent to my current situation is the question of whether or not I can maintain a sexual intimacy in one area of my life, while attempting to control and subdue the urges I face when alone.