Alone

I don't know why I'm writing. I'm hoping it'll be an escape from my feelings. I like to think I will find some consolation to loneliness pretending that somewhere in the world someone is interested. I feel more than alone than I've ever felt. I'm in a high school parking lot, a grown man, crying to myself. My day has consisted of trying to establish any meaningful human contact. My successes: 3 minutes with my mom, 2 with my brother, 2 sentences from my sister. To the texts I've sent out to various people, a response every hour or two, a brief "I'm too busy to see you" dialogue from a friend down the road, and some unacknowledgement. Facebook messages yielded the same. I can't even find people on the internet who are willing to talk. If I'm being honest with myself 75% of the interactions I did have were people asking for favors. I don't know the exact relationship nor whether the chicken or the egg came first, but I do know the loneliness fuels my addiction. It seems the only way to make the emotions subside is through indulgence, and even my best desires eventually succumb to the desperate want to stop the sense of isolation. It's pathetic and I can't help but think that others see it in me. It feels that way.